A Writer’s A to Z 2 Hell
by Benjamin Graber

ALMOST. The first step to hell. Can’t be almost, either it is or it isn’t. It’s like trying – there is no such thing – either do it or don’t. Be a writer or don’t but quit saying you’re trying.

BEING. The next step in the sequence. Gave up trying and took on the identity. Did everything but have cards printed. Well, more or less did that too, hidden as a representative of the local literary magazine.

CAN. Positive affirmations – Artist’s Way philosophy … of course I can do it ... I am doing it. Can’t you tell? Oops. That's a negation of the ‘c’ word. Mustn’t do that. Leading to:

DO. How wonderful – only four words in and going strong. Of course I can ignore that it’s the beginning of Doubt. It’s also the beginning of a song, Do Re Me – that is a wonderful positive ditty that should give me inspiration and lead me to the fifth step:

EMOTION. Fill my cup so that it runneth over, drag my psyche through the glass, watch me bleed, take me back to A and I will ache for you. Keep on the roll.

FEEL. Now we’re cooking. A more active verb. Forget transitive states and leap into the fray, forge ahead with the ‘f’ word and feel the intensity of the piece, have it pulse with power, apply alliteration, feel the characters’ pain, let the world know what it is to be real.

GREAT. Aspire to that, but acknowledge that it is an ethereal thing. Was Vincent great? He never sold a picture while he lived. He’s great now, you say. But was he great then? Does any of that matter? Art for art’s sake is all that counts. It feeds the children nicely.

HOPE. Filled with that you can go far. Who needs talent if you can fill the cup with hope? Seems to be rather in the try-or-almost school. No, it’s a higher plane than that. If you’ve got hope you don’t have to put in any effort … just keep hoping – that’ll work.

INTEGRITY. A wonderful thing for a writer to have. It makes for lots of success and many sales. Don’t give them what they want, write what they should be reading, what they need to read. There’s always another bed at the shelter.

JOY. Oh foolish person. You can’t write just for the joy of it. Don't you know that you must feel the agony? Did you forget the ‘f’ word already? What’s that you say? Joy is a feeling? It's okay to enjoy writing? Heresy. You will never make it into BASS with that attitude.

KALAMAZOO. K – one of those more difficult letters. Place of your first marriage. What does that have to do with the road to Hell? Ha. After two more marriages that's still a question in your mind? There truly is no help for you … leading you to:

LOSER. That is what you really are and you just can’t admit it. You have no confidence and shouldn’t have any. You have no talent, no potential, you are a poseur. Oh, cute – think that fancy language will rescue you?

MOTHER. Well it’s sort of the middle of the alphabet so why not? Mother, apple pie, all the right virtues. That’s what it takes to be a good writer – the simple virtues. Just don't get beyond yourself. Remember to put your galoshes on and you’ll never catch cold.

NO. That was rhetorical. It was the next letter and the word you must banish. You can never say never and never say NO. It’s like the try thing again. Everything is possible ... leading to:

OPPORTUNITY. Strike while the iron is hot. Forget about cliché. Use whatever you need to whoever you need to. Seize the moment. Never look back.

PORNOGRAPHY. Sliding down the road to hell – here is the opportunity, the hope, even if Mother wouldn’t like it. Change the M word to Money and then it fits. Start redoing the list to make it all possible.

Q. Think that's going to stop you? Ask the QUESTION? Can you write it? Will it make MONEY? Need to go back and drop the Integrity. Add Incest – that’ll work. You can run the table, Ass, Balls, Cunt, Dong, you get the idea. You’re on your way and you’ll soon be:

RICH. The pace is picking up, as it always does if you spice it up with a bit of:

SEX.

TWAT.

UNDULATE.

VAGINA.

WANKER.

X-RATED.

YONI.

ZOOPHILIA. See how easy it is. You don’t even have to think. Let the good times roll.

Benjamin Graber (website) lives in Omaha, Nebraska where at 59 he has reincarnated as a fiction writer. His short stories have been published in F2K-zine, Fine Lines Journal, Uber, Another Realms, and Defenestration. (This is his first paid creative fiction publication). His poetry has been published in Fine Lines and an anthology of Nebraska poets, Annex 22. In a previous lifetime as a psychiatrist and internationally recognized sex researcher he co-authored of Woman’s Orgasm celebrating it 30th year in print in 2005.